Dear Ted:
There have been many deaths within our family over the last couple of years and now my mother-in-law has been diagnosed with cancer. As a family we are all trying to manage, cope and help each other as we walk through this next phase in our lives. In the midst of this my brother has started to drink more and more alcohol more and says he can’t stop. He says he thinks about his mom and then just drinks. What is going on and why in the middle of a tough time does alcohol have to raise its ugly head?
Thanks, Betty

Dear Betty,
Wow what a time you have had with loss. Thank you for sharing and for reaching out and please know that both of these actions will help you and others to connect and heal. Usually when we experience loss we feel pain within our psyche, our brain, our bodies and even our spiritual make up. When this happens it is very easy to want to find some way to escape the pain. Society has taught us to avoid pain and provides many available escapes, including unhealthy behaviors and distractions that are all within easy reach.

Most addictive tendencies and self-medicators are triggered by impulsivity in the form of anger, irritation, lashing out, dangerous actions, and other negative behaviors. It is as if our internal parent has taken a leave of absence and let the wild young teen within wreak havoc within our worlds. When emotions rise and there is emotional imbalance, the frontal lobe of your brain starts to shut down — kind of like a dimmer on a light switch. Your frontal lobe is where values, judgment, restraint and mindfulness reside so with the light switch dimming impulsivity can increase. You are now operating from the limbic area or reptilian brain which reacts quickly and sharply but does not care about ramifications or long-term effects and consequences.

If you are an addict of any kind, this impulsivity can also lead to a higher chance of relapse (if in recovery) and a propensity to fall into self-medication through addictive behaviors. Even a person who is not an addict can fall into negative behaviors when substance abuse seems like the “easiest jump”. Staying aware of your impulsive tendencies and avoiding the easy lean into the path of instant gratification can allow you to make conscious decisions and have long-term healing. In this, your losses have a chance to be your guides for a life of serenity in the midst of difficult times.

I wish you well on your journey to healing and until next time, take care.

The Taos News has committed to implement a bi-weekly column to help educate our community about emotional healing through grief. You may write questions to Golden Willow Retreat and they will be answered privately to you and possibly as a future article for others. Please list a first name that grants permission for printing.

Dear Ted:
My father has been diagnosed with cancer and is expected to live for only short time. I have noticed my brother is not going over to see him and won’t spend time at his house. He says he feels bad because he has not in the past and how could he now? I’m wondering if this is common and how can I help my brother so he can be there for the family and my father?

Thanks, Angela

Dear Angela,
A terminal illness is a person’s individual path and is often a path that impacts and involves a family and a community. There is grief, vicarious grief, anticipatory grief, loss of the way life was before a diagnosis and many dynamics that radically change with no smooth transition. All of this can be emotional and difficult. Each person grieves and works with loss in their own way as grief is such an individualized process. Quite often, there will be resistance to participate. There can be a level of denial in which someone is not ready to come face to face with the fact of loss. Denial is like an insulation in which there is a buffer allowing you time to ebb in and flow out of a difficult situation. Giving your internal world a chance to catch up with the presenting information in the outer world is what denial can offer us in a healthy process. Usually when there is sad/bad news our first reactive emotion is fear and in this you will pull away in one form or another physically, emotionally, intellectually and/or spiritually. As there is time, and there is more information you may choose to lean into the resistance and/or fear and step towards the aversion while moving into action. Other times you may stay in the reaction of retraction and find it difficult to step forward, almost like a turtle that does not want to come out of his/her shell with conscious or unconscious fear. If you have guilt for instinctually pulling away; the resistance to move forward can be intensified to the point of feeling impossible, yet the guilt or shame of not “being there” may be even more excruciating. Making sure you are supported and feeling safe is the first step in moving into something that is healthy but may feel uncomfortable. Being gentle with yourself and easing into the situation can allow the time for you to step forward inch by inch and breath by breath. Honoring that when in an uncomfortable situation your first reaction it to recoil can help decrease guilt and may help give you permission to lean into the abyss while being held with support internally and externally. As a family I support you in working together, speaking openly and supporting each other’s needs in a very difficult time, blessings on your father’s path as well.

I wish you well on your journey to healing and until next time, take care.

Dear Ted:
I have experienced different losses in my life and appreciate your advice to “feel and heal.” I have noticed that I can get caught in the minutiae of life and then try to control the little things, become overwhelmed by the bigger picture and then isolate or freeze in my tracks. I can become panicky as well as lose the ability to be kind and open minded. Have you heard of anyone feeling this way?

Thank you, Loss of Love and Dreams

Dear Dreamer,
Thank you for writing in and sharing your feelings and asking for support and information. Yes, what you are writing about is very common. Control is a type of survival skill that is learned early in life when you attempt to navigate the world around you. You learn habits that help you manage certain emotions or events that arise in your life. However, sometimes what has helped you survive in the past may become something detrimental in your life. Old survival skills may have kept you alive and operable yet those comfortable habits may be taking you away from joy and connection in your present life.

There are times when life can feel overwhelming and so you may fall back into habits such as isolation and judgment of others. When you feel overwhelmed it is very difficult to take time to be mindful of others and your world can become very self-centered and rather close hearted. The wild piece of this is that you may target the very people who are closest to you and stereotype others. Racism, sexism, homophobia and other fear based feelings and statements can actually close your heart and push away those who want to be close to you.

In this place you can be left very alone and isolated, actually manifesting the basic fear of abandonment and being left alone to navigate this world. Staying kind, compassionate and open minded, to others as well as to yourself, can help break that closed-off place within you. However, this kind of mindfulness is usually the opposite reaction from that which is learned from a very young age. When we are overwhelmed and feeling like our brain is being flooded with responsibilities, demands, and events that are causing stress; it is worthwhile to step back, prioritize what is important in the long run of your life and then find what can allow you to breathe. Take that next step and then the next and then the next.

In this manner you can accomplish your present task while manifesting your future in a more conscious and loving way. You will find the people close to you can now come back to be there for you. You will also be able to identify filters that will allow you to navigate this sometimes daunting world and open your heart to loved ones, friends, your higher power and especially yourself. I wish you well on your journey to healing and until next time, take care.

Dear Ted:
I am a high school graduate and I heard you give the invocation and benediction at our graduation the other day. In the prayer you asked that there be “discernment along our paths.” Can you expand on this and how it relates to healing and growth? Thank you, Nico

Dear Nico,
First of all, I want to congratulate you and all the graduates this year of all ages and all types, and, I want to honor your passage into new realms in your lives. Last week’s graduation for Taos Academy was profound and your keynote speaker, Bob Blair, was truly motivational. His words were insightful and his willingness to be exposed and genuine was inspirational and very real. He gave us all a gift by speaking from the heart while connecting his words to wisdom and experience.

Mr. Blair spoke on the topic of choices and how those choices have an enormous impact on who you are and who you will become. Choices are not necessarily “bad or good”, “wrong or right”, and yet they do set a ball in motion that starts to carve out your path in the short future as well as impact the rest of your life. I believe that at a young age many of your choices are actually teaching you who you are NOT, while other decisions provide glimpses of who you really are and what your true path in life can manifest. As life goes on and you choose to stay conscious in your life, more of your decisions will be made in balance with the internal psyche and the external world. This type of decision-making often results in serenity by allowing you to maintain calmness on the inside even when there may be chaos on the outside.

Some choices seem very profound — do you go to college or do you do something else? Other choices seem simple — do you run a yellow light or slow down and wait for the red light? Yet even with these seemingly small choices the positive or negative consequences can be enormous. Today’s world seems to place an emphasis on instant gratification and choices are often made for the immediate return rather than considering whether a different choice would ultimately prove more beneficial. This leads to my point about “discernment” and using good judgment in your decision-making.

One of the saddest stories is the graduate who chooses to go to a party and then chooses to get in a car either as a passenger or as the intoxicated driver and ends up in a car crash. This type of result could be easily prevented if you take a moment to breathe, think and then take the appropriate action — even if it may make your friends angry or disappointed or you miss the next party. Investing in choices that make sense in the long run will allow you the wealth of wisdom and the luxury of serenity as you walk your truth. Blessing to all graduates on this new phase of your lives. I wish you well on your journey to healing and until next time, take care.

Dear Ted,
I have found that I am very busy with life yet feel I am moving farther and farther away from myself. There is an empty place within me even though I am being of service, working hard and feeling like I do a lot of good for the world. I feel my loss is that I may have lost myself. I also find myself becoming very angry when people don’t appreciate my help or fail to follow through on my suggestions. Can you comment on this issue? Thanks, Ann

Dear Ann,
What a topic! It appears you are really looking into yourself and examining how you can find your truth and identifying what you need to help you connect both internally and externally. I commend you on the brave act of searching for yourself in the midst of a very busy world. We can often be so busy that we lose our own center and instead feel like we are the center for those around us. We establish codependent relationships that can be painful and cause us to lose our balance and become out of touch with our true selves.

A question to ask yourself is, “Am I being filled full or fulfilled?” In asking this you can start to focus on what is fulfilling to you rather than how you are busy “filling” others. When you find your true passion and discover who you are, you begin to experience the place that gives your spirit nutrition. This discovery may change how you navigate the outer world and allow you to check in to your center and find that which best satisfies your needs. This may sound rather selfish yet if you take care of yourself you can be of better service to others. Resentments can be shed, controlling tendencies can be surrendered and peace in your soul can start to become a common and comfortable place — no matter what is happening in the outer world.

True fulfillment also gives you the opportunity to observe your actions within your job, your personal relationships, your reactions and responses to others, and, most importantly, gives you the chance to find what it is that can allow you to experience passion, energy, enthusiasm and a conscious way of life. Searching for your true self and what that self needs to flourish is a spiritual journey. Taking the time to not be “filled full” but rather find fulfillment is a worthwhile endeavor that will serve you and the world around you. I wish you well on this journey until next time, take care.

Dear Ted,
In the last week there have been so many strange tragedies in our town. I am having such a difficult time making sense of any of it and my mind is spinning. I ask myself – “what could I have done differently, what could the town have done differently, why has this happened, why didn’t I know” and on and on. Sometimes I just can’t shut off my mind. Is this normal and how does this happen? Thanks, Just Thinking

Dear Thinking,
You are right — there appears to be an increase in deaths and losses in our town and the broader world that do not seem to make much sense. First, I want to assure you that your thought process is normal and is part of the healing process. One of the phases of healing from a loss is called bargaining. This is the phase during which a person tries to make sense out of their loss. I see it as chiseling away at denial by trying to find ways to cognitively understand something. This “intellectualization” often creates a sense of security and the illusion of safety within your system because you somehow make sense of the event.

This phase is often accompanied by thoughts such as “I could have done this” or “I should have done that” and often progress to “I wish I had done this.” Often a person may blame themselves or other people, or, even other things such as companies or rules. It is similar to a director who does not like a scene in the movie so yells, “cut, let’s change this scene in order to have a different outcome”. Unfortunately we often cannot change or affect our loss, no matter how often we question ourselves or others. As the brain creates different scenarios the outcome remains the same and the psyche is forced to realize the loss has truly happened and recognize the limits of our control.

Bargaining is an important phase of grief and we shouldn’t be ashamed of our efforts to “think” our way past a loss. Also, this phase often teaches us how we can improve our lives. When my daughters died I had to look very closely at different aspects of my life and in this review I tried to be more conscious of my actions during the day. I focused on efforts to ensure that I appreciated and connected with others as well as more pragmatic efforts in daily life, such as being careful as I drove through an intersection. From a horrific event, I try to be a better and more conscious person. Bargaining is your chance to chisel at denial while also making decisions on how you will now live your life and heal from your losses.
. I wish you well on your journey to healing and until next time, take care.

Dear Ted:
Hi, an article by J. William Worden on Grief Therapy in which he states that unexpressed and unresolved grief of parents can often lead to drug abuse in their offspring. I was totally blown away by this. How on do you resolve and express grief many years after the event?? All I know about grief is that it hurts, you cry, you think a lot, what else can you do? I think grief is a huge underlying cause of many mental problems and drug problems, and can be passed on in the family line. Your thoughts? Maggie

Dear Maggie,
Thank you for your question. It is important to understand that working through one’s grief in order to heal can also prevent generational dysfunctions that are often caused by unresolved grief. William Worden talks about the “Tasks of Grief” which are the experiences that we go through after the death of someone we care about: 1. To accept the reality of the loss; 2. To experience the pain of Grief; 3. To adjust to the new environment where the deceased person is missing; and, 4. To reinvest energy in life, loosen ties to the deceased and forge a new type of relationship with them based on memory, spirit and love.

In working with these tasks he states, “It is okay to care and connect with other people and continue to live our lives even though we miss them”. The grief process is often not linear and can be a life time work. Yet by being conscious of your loss and being aware of the grief process you can avoid unconscious actions of that loss that can wreak havoc on your life as well as those around you.

Unresolved grief can have a strong impact on family members, including children. Many people after a loss can become what I call the “walking dead.” In other words “not present” and hollow inside. However with conscious healing this will change and you can be “present” and alive once again. A child can often find themselves in a place with an absent parent and lingering grief and wounds that if not addressed can lead to self-medication and addictive tendencies. These tendencies are then passed from generation to generation. To avoid this it is important to connect with others, share with your children, and find ritual and ceremony in order to express grief where there are no words and find ways to honor the loss openly and in a healthy manner.

These types of actions allow your psyche to heal and gather wisdom from the deceased. By working through the grief you lower the chances of the loss leading to other mental health issues and decrease the potential for addictive tendencies. In this process you are also able to honor the past yet move into the present while manifesting a healthier tomorrow as well as healthier future generations. I hope this helps Maggie and thank you.

Until next time, take care

Dear Readers:
Once a year I review the phases of grief one goes through after a loss in order to heal naturally, normally, and healthily. I like to talk about phases rather than stages because healing from loss is a lifetime process of growth and transformation during which people often revisit phases. Often you will find yourself moving in and out as well as back and forth among the different phases of healing from grief and loss. A synopsis of the phases of grief is outlined below.

DENIAL often occurs early after a loss and then may continue at different levels. Denial is the distance and insulation your system needs in order to absorb and integrate your loss into your psyche. The more conscious you can be about what type of distracters give you distance will help with healing as well as help you avoid new losses due to unhealthy behaviors.

ANGER will show up in some form and I like to call this phase “protest”. During loss we often protest the present situation including the loss itself and our lack of control. Anger has the effect of waking up your body with adrenaline as well as give you the fuel to step into your healing and move through some levels of denial and new beginnings.

BARGAINING is the place within your mind that is still trying to make sense of the loss as well as possibly hold onto the illusion of control. This is the phase where your mind may sound like monkey chatter; “I wish I had done this or that” or “I wish they had done this or that”. I call it the “should of’s, could of’s”. Bargaining is also the phase where you start choosing how to rebuild your life and heal from your loss. Should I go to grief group? Do I need help? Do I do nothing or something? It is a very active time and your last effort to feel control over something such as a loss, that you really cannot control or change.

DEPRESSION is the place you move into with sadness. You surrender the denial and bargaining and realize you are sad, scared and possibly lost. Bargaining flows into ACCEPTANCE which is the acknowledgment of loss. This does not mean it is all okay but you accept you have a loss and there is a wound that needs to heal.

I have added one more category and that is RELOCATION in which you take your loss, glean the wisdom from that loss, and begin your new life with the wisdom from your experience of loss. This phase allows you to live more fully and presently in “today.” Please remember each of these phases have many intricate facets and you can even feel more than one phase at a time. Also, they often do not proceed in linear order but more like a stew all mixed in one bowl.

I wish you well on your journey to healing and until next time, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Direct any questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat and Clinical Supervisor for TeamBuilders Counseling at (575) 776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.

Dear Ted:
My mother died this last year and her death has brought up many issues in my life. For example, I feel that I have wasted time in my life and I regret previous actions that I now find embarrassing. After a loss like I have suffered do many people look back at their lives and feel shame for their past? What is this about and how do I move past this awful self-hatred? Thank you, Turmoil Within

Dear Turmoil,
I believe your question is pertinent to many people, whether in the midst of healing from loss or not. Shame and guilt can confine and define you, keeping you imprisoned in an internal jail for actions from the past that you do not feel have served you well or have produced guilt. This “psychic” jail can be overwhelming and lead to feelings of not being deserving enough to enjoy life and reach your potential. However, honoring your mistakes as well as your experiences can allow you to glean the wisdom from the experience and let the story itself be just another episode in your history rather than a trigger that controls many of your decisions and actions in your present life.

I like to think of shame as an acronym of “Should Have Already Mastered Everything”. Although on some level we realize that this is not true and we are learning and growing daily, our stubborn psyches can often get in the way of rational thought. We need to give ourselves a break for NOT being a “master of all.” When you stop and think about it, your experiences of the past are what give you wisdom. With this type of thinking, you can realize that all of those experiences and “loss of time” actually act as teachers to help you know who you are! It is as if a large percentage of your choices early in life actually teach you who you are NOT and allow you to become the person you are today.

As you age you might spend half of the time learning who you are and who you’re not. As time goes on the hope is that you develop your true identity with integrity and fewer regrets. Allow yourself empathy and gratitude for your past decisions that did not serve you; instead, heal the historical triggers, let go of self-loathing and begin to give yourself compassion the same way you might for a friend. Honoring your wisdom due to your past can open up the potential for self-love and forgiveness that then radiates out to others. Until next time, take care

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Direct any questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat and Clinical Supervisor for TeamBuilders Counseling at (575) 776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.

The Taos News has committed to implement a bi-weekly column to help educate our community about emotional healing through grief. You may write questions to Golden Willow Retreat and they will be answered privately to you and possibly as a future article for others. Please list a first name that grants permission for printing.

Dear Ted:
I lost a loved one last year in a horrible accident. People have told me I need to heal, move on, and forgive. This has been very difficult for me and I feel I must be doing this entire “grief thing” wrong because I still feel sad and angry. Can you help me out with this quandary? Thanks, Feeling Pushed

Dear Feeling Pushed,

This topic is very important in the emotional healing world and so I thank you for having the bravery to bring it to my attention with your question. Emotional healing has no timeline or measuring stick and whatever loss has disrupted your perception of reality and your illusion of safety is important and real. Loss is lifetime work so to put a timeline on your healing is not fair to you and can actually impede your progress. I can honestly say that over time grief changes and your emotional triggers around grief will not be as sensitive as they may be at the present moment in your life. Finding ways to express your emotions in a healthy manner allow you to heal and grow.

Within the phases of grief there is a place that I happen to call the “unknown”. Within this phase you’ll find forgiveness, healing, compassion, spirituality, self-realization and so on. You cannot force these components of healing into a timeline or equation, they happen over time and with conscious healing from loss.

Forgiveness can be a particularly difficult piece because it seems so “loaded” with meaning. I don’t believe we can force forgiveness — it is a process of letting go of our anger and finding mindfulness, understanding or just acceptance of our current state of mind. Holding on to anger will only continue to hurt your internal, and, possibly your external world. Often anger is the first relationship you may have with your loss and to let go of that anger may leave you fearful of losing the relationship entirely. However, holding on to the anger only keeps you confined and defined by the events from your past and may leave you in a place of being caught in the past with no energy to be in the present.

Allowing time, conscious healing, and finding ways to express and honor your loss while moving into the present can open up new energy and insights allowing forgiveness, grace, gratitude and other emotions that can give you the fuel to fully live and celebrate life once again. You cannot push the river yet you are allowed to navigate the rapids of the emotional world and navigate new passion for life while healing from your loss.

Until next time, take care,

Ted